Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Ghetto-Chic—Finding Your Holiday Style

It takes a discerning and critical eye to mold one’s home into the fine ghetto-chic style we have recently accomplished, and since I am so happy with the recent makeover our home has undergone for the holidays, I would like to share the secrets to our success with anyone who would like to learn them.

First, you have to start with a lot of odd pieces of furniture.  It really helps if none of them match whatsoever, but if you must coordinate, do it minimally.  For example, we are quite proud of the decorator’s touch we surely must have had to come up with the black & white striped couch/white couch/tan recliner combo.  Most homes are never able to reach this pinnacle of ghetto chic.

But furniture alone will not be the answer to your decorating dilemma.  No, you must accessorize, and by accessorize, I mean add as much crap to the background and fringe areas of the room as possible.  For example, Christmas is the perfect time of year to bring every decoration you have ever owned out of storage.

Our mantel proudly boasts seven stockings, a Nativity, and plenty of snowmen…you know, to stand by the Wise Men and Baby Jesus.  And you can’t forget the lighted garland.  This can be wrapped around banisters and railings and along walls at your will.  There can never be too much garland, so get busy!

Our tree is a decorator’s delight in itself.  We recently went to a tall, skinny tree so that we could save space, but the downfall has been that it is not nearly as conducive to cats playing hide and seek in it.  It was always so entertaining to watch the entire tree tremble as cats ran from branch to branch.  However, this has saved many ornaments that I’m sure would have otherwise met an untimely demise.

Instead of the cats, however, we have a different sort of untamed tree trimmer in the house.  The Christmas tree should be afraid.  If I were the tree, I would be very afraid.  There are two little people (not naming any names) who insist on redecorating the tree every chance they get.  Just yesterday, Jordan (Ok, now I’m mentioning names) decapitated the reindeer in my Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer ornament, and this is only the latest in a series of toddler-induced ornament deaths.

All of this leads up to the fact that the ornaments have slowly been migrating toward the top of the tree, leaving us with a delightful rendition of Cousin Eddy’s dream tree.  From the waist down, the tree is naked, and from there upward, it is blinged out beyond imagination.  It looks sort of like a club rat that doesn’t have a full-length mirror. 

The cats have not been left with nothing, however.  They have taken quite a liking to our lovely tree skirt, which spends most of the day looking like a rumpled paper bag under which they wrestle and do various cat things.  It is a beautiful star-shaped tree skirt, but in its current crinkled state, I have to say, it goes well with the overall look of the rest of the tree.

In keeping with our ghetto-chic styling, have I mentioned that we now have a couch with no legs.  Yes, a midget couch.  Jason evidently got tired of the one loose leg falling off all the time, so he simply removed them all.  Great.  Except that now it looks like we run a home for wayward Munchkins from Oz.  I secretly think he did this because it would be hilarious to see any of our parents try to get up from this ankle-height couch.

With all this said, ghetto-chic is a style that takes time and practice.  Don’t get frustrated if you can’t achieve this look over time.  In order to get a natural look, you must allow the furniture to be trampled over time by human steam rollers who carry dripping cups of juice in their sticky little hands.  You also must amass a large collection of knick-knacks that do not coordinate with each other at all.  This can be expensive and time-consuming, but it’s oh, so worth it.  Don’t give up—you, too, can achieve ghetto-chic over time.

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