Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Pardon the Brief Interruption

I am forced to interrupt my insane tales of parenting hijinks momentarily so that I may focus on an issue that has recently come to my attention. I have recently learned that there are people (some of them even friends) who do not wish to have anything to do with scuba diving. I KNOW, right? I mean, I was shocked to find out there was no Santa Claus, and equally dismayed to learn that the Easter Bunny was fictional, but I think I might need therapy to help me get over the fact that there are actually people who don’t want to get into the water and explore.

From this point on, I am dedicating myself to spreading the joy of the underwater world to all those non-believing landlubbers out there (well this will, of course, be alongside my dedication to preserving my sanity by attempting accepted parenting techniques). In order to accomplish my new goal of earning an honorary set of gills for every human being, I have had to do some thinking as to my persuasive tactics and techniques when it comes to coaxing humans into the water.

There are numerous tactics you may use, but I have narrowed my list down to the most logical and effective courses of action. Feel free to ad-lib as necessary when coercing a non-diver into the water, as it is simply unacceptable to be so highly outnumbered by landlubbers.

Here are some of my top suggestions for coaxing a hesitant human into the water:

  • Put a shark in the boat.

Now, this may seem illogical at first, but stick with me. Most landlubbers are scared of sharks (I dunno why, but they are), so it is logical that if they are face-to-face with a shark on the boat, they will take the shortest path away from the shark—which will conveniently be by jumping off the boat. And there you go! Give ‘em a tank and a regulator, and they’re ready to dive.

  • Show off your ultra-stylish and coordinating mask/fins/snorkel package in the latest shade of raspberry pink.

This is sure to cause equipment envy and should get them in the water in no time, if for no other reason than to try to look as cool as you do in the newest gear. Just remember to show your confidence—nothing looks as hot as a neoprene wetsuit. Nothing.

  • Tell stories of ‘The One That Got Away.’

And by that, I mean, elaborate on the wonderful, mythical half-mermaid/half-bunny creature you saw underwater on your last dive. (And by no means are you to mention sharks or barracuda—these are a turn-off to not-yet-seasoned divers.) Make sure you mention how cuddly and snuggly the creature was and how you can’t imagine how you’ve made it your entire life without seeing it before now.

  • Tell the landlubber you are hunting for treasure.

True, the only treasure you are likely to find is an old tire or rusted-out can, but there’s no need to mention that part. Hopefully, they will be lured in by hopes of finding Blackbeard’s treasure at whatever dive site you may choose. (But if you’re diving at the lake, you are going to need to make up something more creative than Blackbeard’s treasure, because chances are, they won’t believe you.)

  • Talk like a pirate.

Or even better yet, hire a sexy pirate-looking (or wench-looking, depending on the landlubber you are working with) instructor to teach them the ways of the sea. It wouldn’t hurt if said pirate were sporting an open shirt and a 6-pack (if we’re talking male pirates), along with sea-touseled hair pulled back by a faded and rugged-looking bandana. I’d skip the peg-leg though…that’s pretty low on the hotness scale.

  • Act like you are drowning.

This is a particularly desperate move, but if you happen to be with a fairly good friend, it just might work. They might, out of the goodness of their heart and a sense of decency, jump in to save you. Then, just in the knick of time, just as they save you from your fate, you could “happen” to spot the coolest stingray EVER, and presto! Your landlubber would be hooked.

Remember, no matter what, you’ll need to use every creative resource at your disposal to lure these naysayers into the water. They are crafty in their refusal to get anywhere near the big saltwater pool, so you will have to tempt them with tales of the safest, most likeable, and relaxing adventure ever. And remember, never, ever—under no circumstances—should you mention the man-eating squid that is lurking beneath the boat.

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