Thursday, August 19, 2010

Déjà Vu


It happened again.  Noooo, I did not run over the curb and flatten a tire while attempting to drive and read mail at the same time.  And neither did I leave my car running after I had locked and shut the door.  (Although I’m pretty sure that nifty feature that prevents you from doing that was invented and made standard on vehicles in my honor.)

The poop thing.  That’s what happened again.  For serious.

Why?  Why does my kid think his poop is so much better than all the PlayDoh we buy for him?  Anyway, he does.  And it is stinky and awful and messy, and WHY do we need to paint the walls with it??!!

Because of all my unanswered questions and my overwhelming desire to see this happen again, oh say, exactly never, I have done some brainstorming and come up with a list of possible fixes to this problem.  In case you or anyone you know is also dealing with a similar issue, feel free to borrow ideas from my list.

How to Get the Kid to Stop Painting the Walls With Poop
(Oh yeah, and it would also be lovely if he would quit peeing on the carpet, too.  What, did we sign up for a puppy when I wasn’t looking?)

  • Duct tape the pull-up to his little butt.  After a few layers of duct tape, it would take an act of God to get that diaper off, and that’s exactly the kind of staying power I’m looking for.

  • Stop feeding him.  I know, at first this sounds drastic.  But you know what’s really drastic?  The fact that my walls have human feces all over them!  That’s drastic.  I say, hey, a few calories less, and there will be less poop.

  • Make him wear mittens all the time.  I mean, seriously, how much fun could it be to play with your own poop if you can’t even feel its luxuriant texture?

  • Paint the walls a rich shade of chocolate brown, and use a lot of Febreeze.  No, this is not my ideal solution, but hey, we’re really getting sort of tired of cleaning the stuff.

  • Tell him Buzz Lightyear is horribly allergic to poop and he will die a terrible death if ever exposed to it.  It’s a stretch, but the kid sort of thinks the planet revolves around Buzz and Woody, so it’s worth a try.

  • Rub his nose in it.  I’ve thought of this, but I hesitate on the follow-through for a couple of reasons.  1)  He might not be all that opposed to the stench and 2) those kid protection agency nuts would probably have an issue with it (same issue with handcuffs and any other kind of restraints that might keep his hands out of his poop-laden pants).

  • Install human feces-detecting alarms that will alert us every time there is a potential incident.  I’m not sure this sort of technology exists yet, but I’m sure those CIA people can think of something.

Short of these things, I’m at a loss.  So please feel free to enlighten me with any of your poop success stories that might help in this situation.  In the meantime, I’ll let you know if any of my techniques are successful.

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