Tuesday, August 10, 2010

How to Recognize a Serial Pinchfist


I would have said ‘miser’ or ‘Scrooge,’ but those have such negative connotations.  I think ‘pinchfist’ sounds ever so much better.  (Not really, but when you think about it, it’s a very descriptive word, and it works.)

Now, as you go through life, you may suspect that you have come in contact with one of these special folks, the ones who seek out the hidden pennies under the car mat or the ones who pay with nickels when pulling through their favorite fast-food haunts.  But sometimes, it can be confusing to try to identify these people, especially in current economic times.

A lot of people are saving and not spending as much.  And a lot of people are shopping for bargains.  This makes it so that the pinchfist doesn’t stand out like proverbial sore thumb like he (or she, for the sake of anonymity) used to.

For this reason, and as a public service, I have come up with a helpful list that may aid you when you are attempting to ascertain the pinchfist status of certain individuals.   If someone you know has any of the below characteristics or mannerisms, you may safely identify them as part of this thriftier category:

  • Travels from place to place with glass jar of coins.  (This is handy when paying for just about anything, and the pinchfist will likely not be concerned with the fact that it may take him (or her) an hour to count out the stinkin’ pennies.)

  • Thinks a bag of apples is expensive.  (Noooo, a Mercedes is expensive.  Unless the apples are made of precious metal, they cannot be considered expensive.)

  • Has precisely two pairs of shoes, which are ‘quite sufficient, thank you very much.’

  • Is convinced that credit card companies are sent by Satan himself to destroy our happy home.

  • Refuses to purchase beverages at restaurants, because they are too expensive, and ‘we can’t get our money’s worth.’

  • Buys Ramen Noodles in bulk when they are on super-sale, marked down from 17¢ per package to a mere 15¢ per package.  (You know, in case we ever have to live through a nuclear war and need to survive on dried noodles.)

  • Has golden statue of Clark Howard displayed prominently on dresser or countertop.

While this list is not all-inclusive, if you know someone who displays even one of these symptoms, it’s likely you know a pinchfist.  And what, you may ask, is the best way to deal with a pinchfist?  Distract them with a big ol’ jar of shiny, pretty pennies…and then run to the closest mall for a shopping fix.

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