Monday, September 20, 2010

Things That Can Wait


I’m having a lot of fun with lists lately, so I thought I would continue down that path, at least for one more post.  This one is more of a list of personal preferences, but I thought my husband might find it especially helpful if I outlined some things for him.  So, without further ado…

Things That Can Wait Until Tomorrow

  • Folding the clean towels.  This can definitely wait.

  • Giving the boys a bath.  This can sometimes wait, although this is only advisable if there has been no playing in the mud or with one’s own poop.

  • Mowing the lawn.  After all, it’s almost fall, and pretty soon the snow will cover up all the unsightly weeds that currently plague our lawn.

  • Putting air in the tire that could explode at any moment while your wife is driving her car.  Not that I have been begging to have my tire examined or anything.  But you know, if I had, it could maybe wait.

  • Changing light bulbs in rooms that are only used for a few minutes each day.  Like the closet, because I don’t really need to see what I’m going to wear for the day.  I like it to be like a lottery system.


Things That Could Get You In BIG, Mega, Holy-Shitake Mushrooms Trouble If You Postpone for Even One Nanosecond

  • Finding the bleepity-bleep-bleep SLIMY SNAKE that has escaped into our house and is most likely on a quest to devour one of our gazillion children!

Let me just be clear.  This cannot wait.  Not for a minute, not for a second…and most definitely not until tomorrow.

While I understand you gave it a good ol’ Boy Scout try and were probably very understandably frustrated after 10 minutes of a reconnaissance mission with no snake to show for all your trouble, it is simply unacceptable to return to your room, turn off the lights, and crawl into bed while saying, “We’ll find it tomorrow.”

WHAT?!!?  We’ll find it when?  Oh, we’ll find it now, mister, and we’ll find it before it eats your daughter’s bunny for a midnight snack!

Any-hoo, there are any number of things that might happen if you save this task for another day:

1)    I could either have a stroke or attempt to kill you in your sleep.
2)    One of your children will wake up shrieking, with a snake wrapped around a little ankle, and then we’ll have to pay for therapy and meds for the kid for the rest of our lives.
3)    The snake could die in our house and stink up the entire block for months.  It would be WAY worse than that damn mouse that died in the garage and tortured us with its stench for a week or more.
4)    I could wake up with a snake in my bed, and then, well, let’s just say snake hunting will be your only nightly activity for a loooong time to come.
5)    We could impose an immediate marshall law system, whereby it’s every man for himself.  I’m pretty sure I could come up with enough ammo to root that little sucker out of his hiding spot.

Or, you know what, we could just find the snake, put it back in its box, nail-gun it shut so there would never be another escape, and then…and only THEN…we could get some sleep.

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