Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Is there a doctor in the house?


Ok.  I have tried aspirin.  I have tried doctors.  I have tried Web M.D.  I have even tried the whole apple-a-day thing.  Everything.  I can’t seem to find a cure for the mystery illness that plagues my daughter.

So I’m opening this up for outside help.  At first we thought, Hmmmm, maybe the flu.  Or maybe allergies.

Then we moved on to, Well, maybe it’s legionnaire’s disease or the mumps or something equally as life-altering.  Maybe even (gasp!) the plague!

Nope, not these either.  In fact, I’m pretty sure we’ve come up with a diagnosis all on our own.  This illness is a tricky one, too.  It makes her feel dizzy and short of breath and gasp-y.  And it makes her tired and itchy, and sometimes it makes her big toe become inflamed.  It also tends to make her cough and have muscle aches, accompanied by headaches and either nausea or unabated hunger.

All of these symptoms have led us to the following diagnosis:

Bat-Shit-Crazy-itis

It is a rare and devastating disease, often striking when levels of homework are at an all-time high or when trampoline practice becomes very demanding.  It can also rear its ugly head when household chores need to be done or when her pets need to be taken care of.

It’s a funny disease, too, because one minute (like when she’s texting or hanging out with friends) she can be totally fine.  And then, BAM!—the next minute (usually when asked to do something that totally, like, inconveniences her) she begins to biologically disintegrate into a writhing mess of illnesses that just dare any doctor to attempt a diagnosis.

Short of calling her bluff and packing a daily backpack full of unnecessary items such as a defibrillator, inhalers, ventilator, feeding tube, and vials of anti-venom, I’m not sure what will get her to stop her self-imposed medical meltdowns.  At this point, I’m pretty sure the girl could come to me holding her own severed hand, and I would have a very hard time believing anything was actually wrong with her.  It’s that bad.

Yesterday she spent nearly an entire day in the school nurse’s office, and finally the nurse told her something to the effect of, “You know, you are going to have to be straight with me.  I really don’t know whether you have asthma or a heart condition or allergies or mad cow disease.”  (Ok, I don’t think she said the part about mad cow disease, but I’m pretty sure that’s only because Micaela hasn’t thought to add that to her list yet.

I have reluctantly come to the conclusion that the girl is either a) a very, very sick girl, possibly in need of round-the-clock medical care or b) crazy as a loon.  I’m leaning toward Option B.

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