Monday, January 03, 2011

Things I Learned This Christmas


  1. Marshmallows are sticky.  Very, very sticky.  Especially after they have been ground into the carpet by several excited little pitter-pattering feet.

  1. There are a LOT of mini marshmallows in a bag, which means a LOT of ammo.  Thanks for the marshmallow guns, Mom.

  1. There is no maximum amount of chocolate that can be consumed by a 3-year-old.  They will eat until they burst or explode.  Literally.

  1. Santa threats work for approximately 2 minutes before the little monsters get wise to your game.  They are not stupid.  They know Santa is coming…even if they do tie tinsel to the cat’s tail and scream for 30 minutes straight about it being bedtime.

  1. If you are out of cookies (because you are a dumb-dumb who didn’t remember that, duh, you need to have cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve), Santa will, in fact, eat a couple of Little Debbie brownies as a substitute.  You know, desperate times, desperate measures and all.

  1. You know those relatives you see only once a year and occasionally at funerals and weddings?  Yeah, there’s a reason for that.  Just do your time and promise that you’ll have to make time to get everyone together more often than once a year…even though what you really mean to say is, “Oh, heck no!  It’ll take me months to erase the trauma imposed on my kids in just this one night.”

  1. No matter where you hide the rum, there are members of your family who will find it.  And drink it.  (And oh yeah, evidently any liquid can be spiked with rum.)

  1. After you get all those cool games for your kids, those same kids will then actually want you to play the games with them.  For days on end.  Even when you really, really want to be reading your new Kindle.

  1. No matter how much you say you will get done over the break, divide that by half and then subtract 3…and you’ll be closer to the actual number of tasks completed.

  1. If you give your teenage daughter several of the hit movies on her list, you will not see her for days on end.  Well, except to get food and new batteries for her remote control.

  1. Cats cannot digest tinsel.  ‘Nuff said.

Happy 2011!

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