Friday, August 26, 2011

Dear Mr. FedEx Man,


I am writing to let you know that I spent approximately an entire hour on I-70 this morning because of your little traffic snafu, and I would like to make a suggestion that, in the future, you hold any rear-ending, bumper-grinding, or side-skidding to a minimum during morning rush hour.

You see, it’s not that I mind slowing down and taking my time listening to Raw Dog comedy on the radio.  In fact, I rather enjoy that station, but I usually save it for after work.  This morning, however, I had already heard the entire CNN news reel twice, and the line of traffic still had not moved, so I was forced to reach forward and lift my arm to actually change the radio station.  You can certainly imagine how off-putting this was, considering the fact that those two seconds I spent changing the radio station could have been better spent lifting my coffee cup to my face.

Also, I would like to suggest that during your next accident you try to take up only one lane of the interstate.  You see, when you leave only one lane open, that forces all the morning traffic, which is substantial, to merge all together.  This may seem like a simple concept on the surface, but let me assure you that drivers in Kansas City do not fully embrace the concept of the zipper-merge.

I would like to request that when you do decide to ram another vehicle it not be a semi truck.  You see, your FedEx truck is big.  The other truck is big.  Two big trucks take up a BIG portion of the highway, leaving little room for the rest of us to pass.

Finally, after having been at a near stand-still for an hour, I would like to have the satisfaction of making eye contact with you as I make horrible, road-rage-induced, near-stroke-level faces at you.  Please have the courtesy of looking at me when I glare at you.  I have waited in a very long line of traffic for the pleasure of expressing my anger with you.  I would like to be assured that you see me and my twisted glare.

Thank you for your time and consideration of these requests.

Sincerely,

Me

P.S. – I hope I may assume that none of my packages will be on a late delivery schedule because of this little mishap.

P.P.S. – If you are unable to move your truck out of the way, it would be nice if you could hand out fresh donuts and coffee to passing motorists. 

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