Thursday, September 01, 2011

Handy-Dandy Guide to Understanding the Behavior of Bridge Trolls


It has come to my attention that we Bridge Trolls are an anomaly to other humans and not at all easily understood when it comes to our quirks and idiosyncrasies.  Therefore, I feel it is my duty, as an upstanding Bridge Troll, to outline and highlight some of the more pertinent details regarding our behavior patterns.  I hope you will find the tips in this guide helpful.

Tip #1—When approaching the Bridge Troll, be sure to approach from the front, taking care not to startle her out of whatever trance may be overcoming her at the moment.  Example:  If the Bridge Troll is deeply engrossed in a book and you stealthily approach from behind, startling her and causing a disruption in her reading pattern, this will likely cause an outburst or, at a minimum, a warning growl.  If this should occur, slowly back away, being careful to avoid direct eye contact, as this can be seen as a sign of aggression to the Bridge Troll.

Tip #2—It is important to note that conversations with the Bridge Troll must be succinct and direct.  Keep extraneous information and chatting to a minimum, getting directly to the point.  The Bridge Troll does not normally tolerate dissertations or drawn-out speeches of any sort, and therefore, after approximately 3 minutes of talking, you should present the Bridge Troll with your main point and ask directly for feedback.  Excessive chatting, especially when the Bridge Troll is in a very troll-like and introverted mood, can result in irritability and a heightened state of agitation.

Tip #3—The Bridge Troll needs to be well-rested, especially when being confronted with subject areas that require much thought or deliberation.  Lack of sleep can cause the Bridge Troll to growl uncontrollably, and if this situation is not remedied hastily, frenzied movements and foaming at the mouth may occur.  If the situation escalates to this state, it is very important that you take cover immediately.  DO NOT engage the Bridge Troll if she is experiencing a heightened state of agitation.

Tip #4—If the Bridge Troll has experienced a highly active or overly stimulating day, it is quite possible that she may react more acutely to environmental noise and upsetting situations.  If you are aware that this is the case, it is advisable to maintain a quiet environment, thereby soothing the Bridge Troll back into a sense of well-being.  Should over-stimulation occur, cursing and slamming of nearby objects is likely.  Take cover immediately.

Tip #5—When in doubt, leave the Bridge Troll alone.  There are certain signs and signals given forth by the Bridge Troll that will allow you to recognize oncoming agitation.  These include, but are not limited to, burying the head while reading, hiding in closets, covering ears with hands to block noise, snapping and growling when answering questions, and elevating the television volume excessively to drown out surrounding noises.  Should any of these signs be present, it is advisable to give the Bridge Troll a wide path, as she is likely on the verge of aggression.  It is best to seek refuge in an adjoining room.  And whatever you do, DO NOT make eye contact.

These tips are provided as a public service.  There is hope that all Bridge Trolls and regular people can live in peace, but in order to find a balance, certain societal norms must be recognized and appreciated.  Good luck in your future dealings with any Bridge Trolls you may meet.

No comments: