Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Teenage Angst


Wanna know what’s really fun?  Tormenting your kids.  That’s what’s fun.  As parents, we have waited years for this, and by golly, we have put in our dues.  We get to torment our kids whenever we want.  So there.

We keep trying to calmly explain to them that’s why we have them around—you know, to torment them, but they have this irrational idea in their little heads that we should, I don’t know…be nice or something.  Bwa-ha-ha-ha!  (Evil parent laugh inserted here.)

Anyway, this weekend, we were all working in the basement, and might I add that we were working tirelessly to clean the basement so that we can dump a buttload of money so that we can finish the basement so that Micaela can have a honkin’ huge new bedroom all to herself?!  But nevermind that.  We made her mad.  (And it was sort of funny.)

It all started with this political conversation about rights and privileges and a bunch of hooey like that.  And she started talking about all of her RIGHTS.  And that’s when Jason and I snorted coffee out our noses and laughed uncontrollably, which she apparently took all the wrong way.  What we were trying to say was, “Pft, of course you don’t have any rights!  You are a kid.  You occasionally have privileges, but only when we deem it so.”

That was the wrong thing to insinuate.  There was a flashing of eyes, a squaring of shoulders, then a stompity-stomp-stomp up the stairs, followed by a door-slamming of epic proportions.  Then more stompity-stomp-stomping across the upstairs floor.

I punched Jason to make him stop laughing.  He called her back down to explain that what he meant was that she couldn’t do things like own a gun, because she’s only 14 years old.  Let me just say that watching this was sort of like watching a zookeeper attempt to talk down a rabid lion.  (Just sayin’.)

Again, eye roll, stomp, huffity-huff.  “Well, I don’t know WHY I can’t have a gun!  I have rights just like everyone else!”

Um.  Let’s see.  Why do 14-year-olds not get to have guns?  Where should I even begin? 
  • They would shoot someone if they stole their boyfriend.
  • They would shoot someone who looked at them the wrong way.
  • They would shoot someone who wore the same shirt on the same day as them.
  • They would shoot someone if they woke up in a bad mood.
  • They would shoot someone if they woke up with a zit.
  • They would shoot someone if their favorite jeans were in the dirty laundry.

Um, yeah, this could be a long list.  Golly, Sweetie, you are right.  Totally unfair that you don’t have rights.  Sympathetic eye roll from mom.  Now get back to work before I have to take away more of your rights.

Love, Mom  

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