Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Top 5 Signs Your Kid Might Be An Asshole


I’m sure there are many more than five, so let’s use this as a general guideline, and I’ll let you make the determination from here:

  1. Your kid finds it necessary to repeatedly remind my kid that she can do more leg lifts than my kid.  Oh yeah?  Well my kid could kick your kid’s butt at the Alliteration Game, which we play all the time in the car.  And I’m pretty sure your kid is too busy being a bully to know how to alliterate.
  2. Your kid finds it necessary to roll her eyes every time my kid ends up on her team.  Um, yeah, your kid might be able to outrun my kid, but trust me on this one, your kid is going to want my kid around should there ever arise any need for 1) intelligence  2) kindness or 3) personality. 
  3. Your kid thinks it’s cool to get other kids to gang up on my kid.  Ok, so your kid can round up a posse.  That’s awesome if she wants to start the Lee’s Summit chapter of Hell’s Angels.  That should make you proud.
  4. Your kid thinks making my kid cry is a fun pastime.  Also awesome…if you are a total cretin.  And one day, when my super-smart kid that actually has a personality grows into the majorly awesome older person that I know she’s going to be, she’ll be the better person and smile at your kid who will probably be asking “Do you want fries with that?”
  5. Your kid makes snarky comments about how my kid makes her team lose all the time and can’t climb a rope or do pull-ups.  Ok, well, I’m not sure climbing a rope or doing pull-ups is necessary in order to become a doctor or lawyer or chef or whatever other amazingly AWESOME thing my kid will be.  So while your kid is climbing the rope, my kid will be growing her brain.  (Oh yeah, but tell your kid not to slow down too much, because my kid is right on her heels in that regard, too.)

And on a related note, what should you do if you suspect your kid is an asshole?  Here’s some simple advice:

Make them stop, and if you don’t that makes you an asshole, too. 

This has been a public service announcement.  Thank you and have a nice day!

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