Tuesday, November 22, 2011

The Turkey


Evidently this is a more complicated process than I originally thought.  I have had numerous suggestions and calls and tips and hints and such as to what to do with the damned turkey (mostly from my mother-in-law).  For any of y’all who are unaware, there will be turkey at our house this year, for the first time in the history of creation, so it’s going to be special.  And by special, I mean, the kids are going to be running around like striped-assed apes, the dog will probably be humping someone, and we’ll be lucky if no one gets salmonella.

Things my mother-in-law suggests I do with/for/about/to/regarding THE TURKEY.  You know, because I’m a moron and probably wouldn’t recognize a turkey if it walked right up and bit me in the ass.  (Disclaimer in case my mother-in-law has miraculously discovered this blog…that was harmless sarcasm.)  Anyway, back to the list of things I MUST DO:
  • Make the turkey moist.  This sounds vaguely dirty to me, and I did not ask for further information.  I simply nodded my ascent and smooshed my eyebrows together in a way that said, “Yes, this is a wise idea.”
  • Get a turkey with a pop-up thingie to let me know when the turkey is done.  Ummmm….ok.  Also, vaguely dirty, but I’m starting to think that maybe that’s just me.  I’m also wondering if I could not just set an oven timer or read a recipe or something or other, and I’m wondering how the Pilgrims knew when their turkeys were done.  But any-hoo, duly noted.  I need a turkey with a pop-up thingie.
  • Get a large enough bird.  We want to be able to feed a small army and invite both Pilgrims and Natives alike, therefore we will need a bird weighing approximately 1 metric crap ton.  I had no idea we were hosting the neighborhood turkey dinner at our house, but now I will certainly be prepared.  I should probably also peel and mash a dump truck full of potatoes.
  • Cook the turkey in the SACRED TURKEY PAN.  Said pan has been delivered to our house—a week in advance—and is waiting for the golden turkey to be placed lovingly inside for tender roasting in our oven.  Ohhhh-kaaay.  I was gonna get one of those tin foil jobbies I could just roll up and throw away when I was done, but what-evs.  (Shrug.) 
  • Stuff the turkey with deliciously seasoned stuffing before cooking.  (Crap, I think I failed to mention to her that Mama’s not planning to be elbow-deep in turkey ass on Thanksgiving eve.) 

So here’s what I’m PLANNING to do about the whole turkey situation:
  • Check box on Hallmark catering form.
  • Pick up pre-cooked turkey/stuffing/the works at work on Wednesday.
  • Pour glass of wine and wait for guests to arrive.


Happy Thanksgiving!

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