Thursday, January 19, 2012

Co-Dependent No More


Or How to Cope Without Your Cell Phone

After having witnessed the panic and near-psychological destruction caused by separation from one’s cell phone, I have decided to create this handy-dandy guide to surviving without technology for short periods of time without completely going berserk and driving your parents bat-shit crazy.  (This is a guide for teens, namely teenage girls, but it might be applicable to guys, too.  I’m just not sure yet, as my current experience is with Queen of the Damned…er, I mean a teenaged girl.)

I realize that nothing, NOTHING could possibly be worse than being stuck for days on end without your lifeline to the outside world.  I mean (eye roll) imagine literally having to get off the school bus because your life is already awful because you can’t drive yet, and THEN to top it all off, your inconsiderate dad has TAKEN your iphone to be repaired without your permission.  So here you are, stuck in your own house, surrounded by your parents and siblings (GAG!), having nothing but homework and OMG conversation to entertain you until you go back to school the next day.  You can’t text.  You can’t call you friends to complain about the fact that your dad TOOK your phone to get fixed.  You can’t use ANY of your aps.  And on top of everything else, your freakin’ facebook friends are probably not going to think you are DEAD.  Just great.  (Cue REM’s It’s the End of the World As We Know It.)

So what’s a girl to do?  Well, calm down, Princess.  I’m here to help.  Here’s a handy-dandy list of things you can do to a) take your mind off the dire situation or b) remind yourself that hey, maybe things aren’t so bad after all.  You’re welcome.
  • First of all, take the pillow off of your head.  You are not helping anyone by burying yourself alive, and really it’s not doing anything except making your mascara run and your hair frizz.  Get out of bed and find something to do.  Like take the dog for a walk or read a book.  (They are the chunky paper thingies on the bookshelf.)
  • Next, don’t worry.  Your friends will know you are alive when you see them tomorrow at school.  You can reassure them that no, you have not become Amish overnight, nor have you taken your vows to enter the convent.  You can tell them all about how your terrible parents deprived you of your ghetto taped-up phone with the shattered face and took it to the repair shop and even paid for it so that it could be fixed for you, and you can tell them all about how it’s going to probably take DAYS for it to be returned to your possession.  Just think of the sympathy you’ll probably get.
  • You could play a game with the family.  You know, your sister loves to play board games, and we would love it if you would join us.  (Stop poking your eyeballs out.  It could be fun.)
  • You could also clean your room, do your laundry, and get some quality time in with your menagerie of pets.  While these are all suggestions right now, by Saturday they will be demands by your evil parents, so if you do them now, they might possibly seem more pleasant.
  • You could do what we did back in the Olden Days.  We took walks.  Or rode bikes.  Or even played on skateboards, shot hoops, or walked to a friend’s house.  All of these things are distinct possibilities, and while I realize now that they might ruin any chances of you EVER having any social life whatsoever, they are decent activities.  Yes, you will have to go without status updates and the instant gratification of constant socialization, but I think you will be ok.
  • Oh, and also the next time you decide to stage a sit-in (or stand-out…or whatever you want to call it), it would be less humorous to your parents if the conversation doesn’t go something like:

          Us:  When you are done with practice, call us.

          You:  (MAJOR eye roll)  HOW am I supposed to CALL you if I don’t have a PHONE?!

          Us:  The gym has a phone you can borrow right behind the front desk.  Just ask to use it.

          You:  (Shoulder shrug and foot stomp) Oh Ma Gawd, I am NOT going to use a LAND LINE!          Are you EVEN serious right now?!  I’ll just wait outside in the FREEZING COLD.

          Us:  (Unintelligible mingling of words and laughter as we drive away)

P.S.  Your cell phone is repaired and ready to be picked up, but this is so entertaining that we might just wait a couple more days just to see how you handle it.

No comments: