Thursday, January 05, 2012

Resolutions


In previous years, I was always anxious to jump into resolutions headfirst with crazy levels enthusiasm and a fire in my belly that refused to burn out for…oh, wow, at least a whole day.  These resolutions have included things such as:
  •  Losing weight
  • Exercising more
  • Not cussing (pffft…funny!)
  • Being nice to everyone
  • Spending more time with family
  • Taking less naps (borderline hilarious)
  • Dusting and cleaning the house every week

 You know, crazy stuff like that.  But this year, I have come to my senses.  First of all, I didn’t come up with something immediately.  As you will notice, it is now January 5, a full five days after the start of the new year.  Either I have decided to embrace my life of procrastination (quite likely), or I have taken these five days to fully meditate on the seriousness of the situation.  Since past resolutions have failed to have any staying power whatsoever, it has become apparent that the process of coming up with the resolutions must be one of utter sobriety and clarity.  (And now, my friends, we are wading knee-deep in the B.S. pool.)

So, without further ado, a modified list of resolutions, based on past failures and (hopefully) future successes:

Lose Weight
By the end of the year, I will still be able to squeeze my butt into the same tired old denim that I’m squeezing it into this year.  If that happens, I will yell ‘HOORAY!’ and celebrate with a large slice of cheesecake.

Exercise More
Instead of asking the kids to bring me the remote, I will find it myself.  If there is not a dent in the couch in the exact shape of my butt at the end of 2012, we will consider this one a success.

No Cussing
I will refrain from using the same 4-letter words more than twice in a row in front of the same kid.  This should cut down on kid repetition incidents, thereby cutting down on those embarrassing little ‘teacher conference comments.’

Be Nice to Everyone
Be nice to smart people and people who do not annoy the everloving @#$#%#* out of me.  (You don’t have to be Einstein…just not the ‘I seen it!’ people that are always interviewed by news crews, k?)  This is about as good as it gets people.  I mean, I can TRY to be nice to those other people, but if they push my buttons, I make no guarantees.

Spend More Time With Family
This one is cool.  For the most part, my family is pretty awesome.  (I’m talking the immediate-family part.  Don’t get me started on the extended-not-under-our-roof-peeps, because we could get into some issues there.)

Take Less Naps
Take Naps.  Honestly, I kind of like taking naps, and I’m thinking it helps me with the whole being nice thing.  I’m pretty sure napping is going to have to remain a part of my routine in order for me to accomplish some of my other resolutions (like not stabbing people...I should add that one).

Dust and Clean Every Week
Watch at least one episode of Hoarders every week.  This way, I can feel really good about the fact that I may or may not have dusted and cleaned recently.  I have no dead animals or dirty diapers lying around my house, nor do I have mountains of unused clothing or furniture that is buried beneath creepy ‘collectibles,’ so I think I’m good.  Time for a nap.

So there you have it.  The list of 2012 resolutions.  Check back with me in 2013 to see how I’ve done.  Hopefully, there will be lots of naps, less road rage, and I’ll still be squeezing into my faded old mom-jeans.  See how I’ve set myself up for success?