Friday, February 17, 2012

Fugitive


Have you seen this person?



Last seen at Burger King, considered armed with barely-contained energy and dangerously impulsive.  May be wearing SpongeBob t-shirt and Mickey Mouse crocs. (We like to make a fashion statement when we leave the house.)

Suspect was seen overpowering several Burger King employees and forcing himself behind the counter to acquire a child-sized paper cup, believed to be for consumption of a carbonated beverage.

Oh ma Gawd, I am raising a criminal!  Today it’s a Coke.  Tomorrow, he’s going to be jacking a car.  Fabulous.

So here’s the sitch.  We have been talking about choices and how we have to live with those and yadda yadda and all that Sesame Street hooey that we need to tell our kids so that they grow up to be productive members of society.  So groovy, I had just talked to both boys before we ordered our kiddie meals.  Jadon wanted a fountain drink so that he could refill it after playing, BUT Jordan wanted chocolate milk.  I told him that was fine, but there were no refills on chocolate milk.  I JUST WANTED TO MAKE THAT CLEAR TO THE VERY INTELLIGENT 4-YEAR-OLD.  He smiled.  He nodded.  He wanted the damned chocolate milk.

We proceeded to the play area with our meals where the boys began to act like striped-assed apes typical boys for about 45 minutes.  They came out of the gerbil tunnels all sweaty and sticky and thirsty, and they drank their chosen drinks.  So far, so good.  Are you with me?  They ate a little bit.  They then went back to play.  Here’s where the problem begins.

When they came back out of the habitrail tunnels for the second time, they were thirsty again.  Jadon had a cup we could refill, so we proceeded to the front of the restaurant to get him something else to drink.  Jordan had nothing but an empty chocolate milk container and a 4-year-old brain that suddenly did not understand the concept of ALL GONE.

I turned my back for 1 gazillionth of a second to help Jadon with his lid—I swear, that’s all—and the next thing I see is Jordan standing next to the Coke machine with a paper cup he is filling to the brim.  He is wearing a look of utter satisfaction, and I suddenly register the fact that the entire Burger King staff is hysterically laughing behind me.  I turned around, mortified, and asked, “Oh. Ma. Gawd.  Did my kid just steal that cup?”

I’m pretty sure the guy behind the counter nodded ascent, but he was too busy peeing his pants laughing as he described to me how Jordan confidently marched behind the counter and helped himself to what he needed in order to get his beverage.

I immediately grabbed my wallet and began to pay for the drink, but the cashier waved me off and told me that was the most entertainment they had had the entire night.  And he didn’t even call the cops.  Yay for us.

And all the while my kid stood there with Coke running down his arm and a look on his face that said, “All gone, my ass.  And while you’re at it, I’m gonna need a lid.”

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