Wednesday, June 06, 2012

Things That Might Make Me Kick You In the Kneecap


(Or Worse)

Adding the ‘or worse’ part is sort of like adding ‘in bed’ after reading every fortune cookie you ever get—it’s totally mandatory, and I’ve recently picked that up from a good friend.  Thanks, http://darthamethystos.wordpress.com/ for the tip!  For example, when driving through a really bad neighborhood, you want to tell your friend, “Lock the doors!  You’ll end up getting killed—OR WORSE!”  Got it?  Ok, moving on.

So, I might kick you in the kneecaps (or worse) if you participate in any of the following.  (I’ve been feeling particularly violent lately.  And also, very in tune with my ever-increasing list of personal irritants.)  This list should help you with your personal safety.  Don’t do these:
  • DO NOT sit at a 4-way stop like a dolt while 12 cars proceed through the intersection.  If this many cars have gone before you, that means you have missed your turn a LOT, and you are a moron.  It is not difficult to work the 4-way-stop concept.  If you are confused, you may pick up a copy of the drivers’ manual at your nearest DMV, which is a pleasant destination indeed.
  • DO NOT clip your fingernails at work.  I might stab you with a pencil.  Or I might decide to come over into your cube, haul out the belt sander, and go to work on my foot calluses.  Because if we are getting into the gross hygiene crap, I’m going all-in.  And the day one of your stray clippings flies over the cube wall and lands in my cup of coffee, it’s all over bee-atch.
  • DO NOT scrape the plastic coating off the inside of your yogurt container.  For the love of God, when it’s gone, it’s GONE.  I will throw you a protein bar or a bag of nuts or something if you are that hungry, but stop the infernal scraping.  Or better yet, stop counting points, and grab a hunk of meat, and maybe you won’t be so damn hungry!
  • DO NOT ask/make/force me to participate in your dumb team-building activities.  They were ridiculous in elementary school, and they are more ridiculous now.  I do not care how tall my spaghetti tower is in comparison to the other teams’ towers, nor do I care to divulge my innermost personality quirks in order to allow our “team” to best utilize each member’s assets.  Gag me.  This will definitely make me kick you.  Or WAY worse.
  • DO NOT ask me NOT to hold a grudge.  I’m generally a nice person, and it generally takes a whole lot (I mean a gargantuan shit ton) for me to be mad at someone, but when I am, boy-hoo-howdy, it ain’t pretty.  I’m just sayin’.  We’re talking Hatfields & McCoys, and the grudge runs deep in this one.  But as long as we’re good, it’s all good.  Seriously, I can only think of one person I really can’t find a need to talk to ever again—well, at least until he maybe donates a kidney to a dying child in a third-world country in my honor—then maybe.  But other than that, it’s all cool.  But don’t ask me to talk to that dude.
  • Oh yeah, and DO NOT blow your nose at a restaurant table.  I might not go up to you and overtly kick you right then and there, but it’s just gross, and I’ll totally want to spit in your food.

I think that’s all for now.

Also, I bought a lovely beta fish that the people at Petco assured me would add tranquility to any space.  I’m hoping it will help with some of my anger issues.  As long as the little guy doesn’t piss me off, we should get along well.  His name is fluffy.  I think a hidden flask in my file drawer would give me more tranquility.

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