Monday, July 23, 2012

Defined

define: a : to determine or identify the essential qualities or meaning of defines us as human>

Used in a sentence:  Hallmark does not define me.

Now I just need to repeat that approximately 500 million times or until I believe it.  You see, for as long as I can remember, for as long as I have been writing and being a word nerd and creating things on paper, I have wanted to work here.  I have wanted to be a part of the company that makes communication possible for the non-communicators of the world.  I have wanted to be a part of making "the very best."  I fought to become a part of this.  I clawed my way into this place.

I completed a portfolio that wasn't so good.  And then I waited a couple of years and realized that my work needed to be better.  So I wrote a better portfolio.  Because, dammit, I wanted into the club.

And my work was better, and I finally got in.  I was doing what I thought I had wanted to do my entire life.  (Well, at least my entire life after I stopped wanting to be an astronaut and a cook at Hardee's, because let's face it, the sandwiches at Hardee's could use some improvement, and I was determined for a long time to be the one to do that.)  And then what?  Then I wasn't good enough again.  Or I was good enough, but not consistently better enough to move forward.  My dream and I were very clearly moving in a different direction, and I had to either embrace those different directions or force myself into a place where I didn't seem to fit.

The thing my dream doesn't seem to understand about me--and that I keep trying to tell it--is that I am an immediate-gratification kind of girl, and if I don't get some sort of positive sign that I'm moving in the right direction, I assume that I've taken off in the wrong direction...AGAIN.  I like change.  I like momentum.  I like movement.  I don't like stalemates.  I don't like stagnant.  And I hate controversy.  I like diving in currents.  I like diving in wrecks and caverns and exploring the unknown.  I love looking at sharks face-to-face.  I like pushing myself, but I also like knowing that I'm going to survive.  I wasn't so much getting the feeling I was going to survive creatively during this last adventure.

So the place that seemed to define me for so long, no longer defined me.  So maybe it never defined me.  That's what I'm having to learn about myself right now.  Maybe the only thing that can define me is ME...not a place and not a job and not a company.

So, I'm off to define myself.  I'm going to write and be poor and write some more.  And I'm going to create and probably mess up...a LOT, and instead of being defined by a place, I will take what I have learned and know that a place can only add experience.  But, damn, I will miss all these wacky creatives and their wacky wackiness!

And sorry to my usual readers...this one's not funny, but it's a turning point.  Stay tuned for more funny and quirky tomorrow.

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