Tuesday, July 03, 2012

Evil Trolls of Summer


The evil trolls of summer have taken over my house, and things are happening that are seriously making me consider moving into a hotel until the school year starts anew.  I have to warn you that what I am about to tell you is, in many ways, akin to a haunting or a possession, and I am starting to fear for those of us who live among these creatures.  Some of their antics are nothing short of terrifying, and these creatures are reckless in their abandon, seemingly unaware of the destruction left in their wake.  This post is meant as a warning to unsuspecting citizens of summer everywhere.

How to Spot the Trolls

Your house may have been invaded if you notice any of the following:

Dirty dishes left randomly throughout the house.  These creatures love to wallow in their own filth and will allow dishes to sit for days unattended and unwashed, simply watching food air-dry until it crinkles at the edges and snaps off the plates and bowls.

Piles of laundry placed in every room.  I have learned that apparently, as soon as the working members of the household leave for the day, the summertime trolls enjoy frolicking in smelly piles of laundry that they scatter throughout the house.  Serving as mini playgrounds of sorts, these piles of stench-collecting fabrics are attractive to the trolls, and they will fight to maintain this element of d├ęcor at all costs.

Scattered bits of dry ramen noodles.  I cannot emphasize enough that the trolls LOVE ramen.  They love beef-flavored, chicken-flavored, turd-flavored…any kind of ramen, and it has become clear that instead of putting it in a pan to cook, they must simply stand over the kitchen floor eating the crusty, dry noodles with their little pointy troll teeth, allowing the remnants to fall to the floor.  This can be the only explanation for the thorough covering of noodle crunchies found on my floor EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. of God’s creation during the summer months.

Soiled socks, hair ties, rubber bands for braces, juice boxes, Lunchable containers, straw papers, bookmarks, water guns, string cheese wrappers.  If you notice any of these things, you have been invaded!  The trolls vary in their likes and dislikes, but one thing is universal amongst them all.  They are relentless slobs.

What to Do

There is little you can do, but here are some tips to ease your suffering until the school year begins, as that is the time when you will likely be able to reign in much of the intolerable troll behavior:
  • Call your local exorcist and explain the situation.  Ask if he or she specializes Troll Behavior Modification.
  • Turn your television up really loud and attempt to tune out troll behavior.
  • Avoid going home early.  Work a LOT.
  • Attend School Board meetings and become active in lobbying for a 12-month school year.
  • Drink heavily.

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