Tuesday, July 17, 2012

How to Look Like an Idiot


This is complicated, you guys, so play close attention.  Also, I make this look like an art form, so don’t be too hard on yourselves if you can’t quite reach the level of idiocy described below on your first attempt.

Here’s one way to do it:

  1. Realize kid’s birthday is coming up.
  2. Ask kid what he wants for his birthday.
  3. Respond favorably to the request for an effing pterodactyl-looking prehistoric lizard thing.  (Because, duh, it sounds like a GREAT idea at the time.)
  4. Decide that it’s very expensive at Petco to buy the entire set-up, so look first on craigslist.  Sift through assorted serial killers and rapists on craigslist for reputable person actually selling a reptile and not severed human body parts.
  5. Set up the “drop,” or the pick-up, as it were.  Pay college kid who repeatedly says the word “dude” a sum total of $150 for freaky looking lizard creature and giant glass tank, complete with dead crickets, worms, and other assorted nasty food sources.
  6. Hold scaly creature and exclaim, “Aw, he’s really sort of cute.  Maybe we should keep him!”
  7. Get look from husband that seems to say, “I will check your ass into the local asylum if you say that again.”
  8. Agree to give reptile to kid.  Call kid on phone and announce, “Yay, we have a birthday surprise for you!”
  9. Meet kid in yard, but insist on holding scaly creature to present it in theatrical way to kid.
  10.  Wait for kid to approach and watch freaky creature blow up its jaws in puffy, freaky fashion, which in turn, freaks your shit out.
  11.  Watch retarded lizard thing do exactly what “dude” told you it could not do, which was jump about 10 feet into the air.
  12.  As hybrid-lizard-kangaroo-creature leaps from your hands, scream loudly as if being attacked by a wild ape.
  13.  Watch helplessly as stupid prehistoric scaly thing (that you just paid $150 effing dollars for!) scampers into the grass, fearing for its very life.
  14.  Scream, “Oh, shit!”  Blame everyone else for scaring the stupid scaly lizard thing.
  15.  Leap into action.  Quickly grab cardboard box lid in an attempt to capture the damned creature.  Scream again for good measure.
  16.  Watch as grown son and husband throw themselves bodily on the dried-out lawn, attempting to catch—yet not smash—stupid, retarded, dumb-assed lizard monster.
  17.  Look on in horror as son finally lands on stupid mini-dinosaur’s tail and grabs it around increasingly puffing head.
  18.  Watch as son gently places thoroughly ticked-off lizard back into aquarium.
  19. Refuse to make eye contact as son and husband glare at me, wiping grass and sweat from their clothes and faces.
  20.  Happily wish son, “Happy Birthday!”
I am so not going into herpetology.  Those little things are fast and stupid, and I don’t care what they say in the books—they can jump.  (Ok, maybe I threw it just a little when it made that ridiculous hissing, puffy face, but OMG, who DOES that?!)

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