Sunday, January 13, 2013

Fat Camp


I can’t remember exactly how old I was when I spent the summer there, but I think I was around 13 or so, not that that’s a traumatic or mentally exhausting time in a young girl’s life or anything.  I mean, hey, let’s just toss her into a cult of tubbies in the state that houses possibly the largest population of hot girls in the entire country and see how she fares.  What could possibly go wrong?  Right?

So, Florida in the summer.  A camp full of fat kids and teenagers.  (We’ll go ahead and call it a compound, just without the alien-worshipping, space-ship monitoring hippies.)  No decent food in sight.  A campus full of every sport that has ever shunned us thus far in our young lives.  All a recipe for epic awesomeness, if you ask me.

Here’s what I learned during my summer at fat camp:
  • First and foremost (pay attention to this one!), fat camp did NOT make any one of us thin, skinny, or STRONG.
  • Fat camp made us hungry.  It did not teach us to eat things to feed our bodies correctly.  I also learned that a graham cracker with a  smidge of peanut butter on it is not a damned Nutter Butter, and fake, pretend snacks only mess with your head.  Also, lettuce alone is not a meal.
  • Just because everyone else that got on the diving board was also fat, it does not make you feel any better plopping yourself up on the diving board and plummeting to your near-death 12 feet below (or however far it was).  The splash is just as big.
  • Fat counselors do not make fat kids feel better about themselves.  In fact, pretty much, it just showed me that if I didn’t get my ass in gear, I would have to wear plaid jumpers for the rest of my life like Marge, the “soccer coach.”  Bad idea, fat-camp-planners.  Who the hell came up with that plan?
  • Fat camp counselors are very naïve.  Do NOT trust fat camp kids further than you can throw them.  After feeding me a diet of lettuce and carrots for four straight weeks and then letting me out on a day pass to an amusement park, do not assume that my conscience will steer me clear of the churro booth.  Do I want chocolate sauce with that?  Hell-to-the-yes, I want chocolate sauce!  Hand over the bottle, bee-yatch.
  • Fat camp planners purposely place fat camps directly under the face of the damned sun in order to try to melt fat off of obese and overweight kids.  This does not encourage them at all.  In fact, it makes them look for loopholes and ways to escape.  Medical problems?  Yep!  Heart palpitations?  You bet!
  • If I am not outgoing before losing 10 pounds, I will most likely not be outgoing after losing aforementioned poundage.  If anyone ever makes me sing Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog during a talent show again in my lifetime, I might actually end up in prison.  Somewhere there is video and photographic evidence of this, and if anyone ever finds it, I will disavow any knowledge of our previous friendship.

One day I will compare what I have learned at CrossFit to what I learned at fat camp.  Believe me, they are VASTLY different, and the impact on my life has been tremendously different.  It took a long time, but I have a long time left to work on the good stuff, so bring on the CrossFit!

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