Monday, January 28, 2013

Not to Be Judgy


But here are a few things I may or may not find myself being slightly judgy about.  These are in no particular order.
  • If you are unable to navigate the 4-way-stop in any sort of educated manner, you should probably just stay home.  Or maybe move to an island where bicycles are the major form of transportation.  Also, you might want to reconsider your ability to live on your own in society, because I’m thinking that the 4-way stop is not necessarily one of the more complicated things we find ourselves faced with on a day-to-day basis.  I am becoming increasingly concerned for those who are unable to grasp the 4-way-stop concept.
  • If you are still writing checks at the grocery store, I am likely to resort to violence in order to end this ridiculous waste of time and energy.  Likewise, if you argue with the clerk over a coupon worth less than a dollar, just stop it.  I will give you a dollar to just shut up and move on.  Thank you.  Everyone who has ever stood in line behind you thanks you.
  • Stop doing the Asshole Stroll in front of my car.  I know I am obligated to stop and wait for you to cross the street or parking lot or pasture or whatever land mass we are currently occupying, but for the love of macaroni and cheese, please pick up the flippin’ pace a little bit!  And while we are on the subject, I’m not in the least bit mathy or geometry-ish, BUT I can tell you that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line, so if you insist on making the longest-assed diagonal that is humanly possible to cross in front of my car, I will scare you.  I will lay down some rubber and kick your damned little pacemaker into overdrive, so chip chop, pick it up.  Pretty please.
  • This next one may not be popular (because all the last ones have totally been based on popular opinion), but why the hell can’t my kids give their friends candy with their valentines?  I have received no less than 20 notices from the school reminding me that, “Valentine’s should not have candy.”  Ahem, first of all, maybe the school should focus more on their grammar and less on the possible caloric intake and allergic reactions of each little student.  If my kid doesn’t need it, I don’t let him have it.  If my kid is allergic, I don’t let him have it.  Easy-peasy.
  • Finally, I understand that some people are social dipshits, but if you are in this category, please realize it and take drastic measures to improve this situation.  I, for example, am a troll, and if I give you a simple social cue that I don’t want to purchase something from you, you should take that cue for what it is—a nice way of telling you no without hurting your feelings.  Don’t stalk me with your wares and make me feel like I have to change my phone number and move out of state to remedy the situation.

 But, totally, not to be judgy.  Also, I have a headache.

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