Saturday, May 11, 2013

Things I Pretended Not to Notice Today


It’s officially Mother’s Day weekend, so that means that I get a little more leeway than normal.  And don’t be fooled—I normally give myself a LOT of leeway anyway (mostly because I’m crazy and everyone just knows not to expect a whole lot), but this weekend, I’m granting myself just a smidge more.

So after ensuring the girls were safely at practice today, the boys and I ventured into public.  This is something I typically try to avoid, especially after last week’s adventure to Hobby Lobby, which required me to drink two Long Island Iced Teas in order to recover from the shame and humiliation of my boys’ behavior.  (For the record, it is my opinion that no trip to Hobby Lobby should require alcohol as a post-shopping recovery device, however, no one has been to Hobby Lobby with MY two boys.)

Anyway.  Public.  The boys and I went to McDonalds, which leads me to the first thing I pretended not to notice today.  My 6-year-old child was crawling like an infant across the Playplace floor and into the restroom.  (Before you gasp in horror, let me explain to you how great this is for boosting the immune system.  This kid is almost NEVER sick, and I attribute it to the fact that he does stuff like this all the time.  Also, he’s kid Number 5, so by now, I’ve figured out that he’s going to survive a little McDonald’s floor grime.)  So I pretended not to notice.  Because, eh.

Our little foray next led us to Walmart.  And trust me, you have to pretend not to notice a LOT of things in that place.  I’m pretty sure we blended.  After the sixth time of telling my kid to get his finger out of his nose, I pretended not to notice the seventh and eighth times.  Because I can only say, “Get your finger out of your nose” a certain number of times before calling attention to myself.  (I’m going to germ hell.)

I pretended not to notice that my kid put four pieces of gum into his mouth.  Because the argument, people, the argument.  Just not worth it.  And it was sugar-free, so I figured we were pretty safe there.

I pretended that the entire aisle didn’t reek when we walked into it, surprising a lady who had obviously just let loose the fart of the century.  It was gross, and my boys announced very LOUDLY that is was gross.  I pretended to be lacking a sense of smell and not to know the two little boys who were adamantly insisting the aisle stunk like a skunk.

I pretended that my dogs were not total assholes that stood there humping each other in a display of who-dominates-who as I chatted with the neighbor (who, by the way, now thinks I’m either oblivious to the fact that my dogs continuously hump each other OR that I’m so used to the site that it’s a ridiculously unhealthy occurrence in our household.  It’s the latter.)

I am currently pretending not to see the dust on the ceiling fan blades because tomorrow is Mother’s Day, so things can just stay dusty, damn it.  In fact, I have figured out that if I leave all the fans in the house running, you can’t even see the dust.

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