Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Things My Dog Might Be Barking At Right Now


Rudi barks pretty much ALL. THE. DAMNED. TIME.  Here’s a possible list of what the hell he might be barking at currently:
  • The car that just drove by
  • The car that MIGHT drive by
  • A grasshopper that just farted in the backyard
  • A blade of grass blowing in the wind
  • His ass hair blowing in the wind
  • The ticking of the clock
  • The ticking of the bomb I taped to him
  • His reflection in the refrigerator
  • The kids getting off the bus (They LIVE here, you idiot!)
  • The shadow of the tree reflected in the grass
  • The gurgle of his watering dish
  • The flush of the toilet
  • The trash truck
  • The sound of his own bark
  • The sound of me saying “shut up!”
  • The sound of my house plant growing

It could be anything, really.  Any damned thing at all.  I’ve grown accustomed to the quiet little ‘woof’ that just sort of slips out of him without any thought at all throughout the day now.  It’s the zero-to-I-will-eat-you-alive-and-go-Kujo-up-on-your-ass bark that usually makes me jump out of my own skin.  But that only happens when Mormons or kids selling candy bars come to the door, so I’m sorta cool with it.

Anyway, so today I think Rudi saved me—either from being suddenly forced to buy a Krunch bar or from someone trying to convert me to a religion where I have to wear a dress and act like a lady.  Or something.  I don’t own a dress, and I definitely don’t need candy.

Good dog.

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