Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Hello, Bloggity, Blog!


It's been a long summer, and I've missed you so.



After sitting on my butt for a while (and doing some writing…while sitting on my butt), I’ve joined the exciting world of retail again, and I have some observations I’d like to share, starting with a couple little experiences from today:
  • If you enjoy shopping, that is wonderful.  If you shop and have to pull shit out of your bra, you should possibly shop for a handbag.  I’ma just makin’ a suggestion here, ladies, but when you hand me a paper coupon that is soggy as a syrup-soaked waffle, I’m thinking a coupon wallet might be in order.  Also, if you have to dig UNDER-FLIPPIN’-NEATH your triple-Ds to fish out aforementioned disintegrating paper, it’s time to air those puppies out.
  • Your bra is not a tool bag.  If you pull out a cell phone, money, coupons, AND car keys, I am officially scared shitless of what you are going to pull out next.  Leave the damned kitchen sink at home.
  • It’s not the Oprah Winfrey Show.  I don’t need to know about your great-great-great grandma’s trek across the snow-capped peaks of Mt. Kilimanjaro with nothing but a pair of flip-flops and a box of graham crackers.  Holy crap, just buy the socks already!  Or hell, I’ll buy them for you.  Just decide on something, and let’s get this show on the road.
  • If you call me on the phone and ask me what size your 8-year-old wears, I will automatically think you are an idiot.  And then I will attempt to freak your shit the hell out by saying something like, “Hang on a sec.  Send her over to the window so I can see her better, would you?”  As if I have a clue what your 8-year-old looks like.

Also, here is a quick reference chart to some commonly-asked questions (you know, just in case you are feeling snarky):



Q:  Will my daughter keep this headband on her head?
A:  Probably not, but it will make a great slingshot.

Q:  Do you have REAL shoes?
A:  No, ours are definitely fake.

Q:  Will you watch my kid for me?
A:  Sure, but I lost the last one.

Q:  So the ENTIRE store is on sale?
A:  Well, we actually define the word ‘entire’ differently here.  It’s really very complicated.

Q:  (8:59 p.m.)  What time do you close?
A:  As soon as I can manage to get your ass out the door.

Ok, so really, as cheeky as I am, I am honestly having a great time in my new retail adventure.  People are FUN!  (And funny!)

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