Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Things I Can (Maybe) Outrun


Tortoise.  As demonstrated in the age-old children’s tale, The Tortoise and the Hare, these creatures may be steadfast, but they are SLOW.  I can totally take a tortoise.

Donut.  Ok, if it’s rolling down a hill, maybe not, but if it starts to outrun me, I would totally eat it.

Snail.  I have seen these things move across the fish tank, and they are SO not fast, and I am also an avid watcher of Spongebob, so yeah, pretty sure I can one-up the snail.

Manatee.  Since they are primarily water-dwellers, I’m pretty sure I would have an advantage anyway simply by throwing the poor thing onto the pavement and asking it to run.  So, yep, gonna outrun it.

Loaf of bread.  Those are pretty rectangular, so not a lot of forward movement there.  I got that one for sure.

Buddha.  I don’t know a lot about him, but I think he just sat there and had the big-belly thing going on.  So if he were here and he decided to have a throw-down with me, I would put money on me.  But I’m pretty sure Buddha would think it’s not cool to place bets.

That lady at the casino with two cigarettes who’s pulling the oxygen tank.  Chances are she’s not leaving her slot machine anytime soon, so I’d get a head start, AND she’d still be hacking up a lung by the time I crossed the finish line.  Yay, me.

So that’s my list, and now that I’ve come up with it, I’m feeling pretty damned good about myself.  Here I was thinking I was a slow-assed runner, and now that I think about it, there is a whole slew of people (and things) I can outrun!  My day just got exponentially better.

I think I’m starting to figure this running thing out though.  I’m pretty sure the trick is to work on FORWARD momentum instead of up-and-down momentum.  I seem to spend most of my energy bouncing and not really getting anywhere, and as a good friend of mine suggested this morning, I need to focus more on making running my bitch.

So I’m gonna start a smackdown.  I’m gonna kick some ass and take some names…just as soon as I can feel my legs again.

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