Monday, December 30, 2013

Cappuccino Diaries


Spoiler Alert: This will be disturbing.  I love you all, so I feel it’s only fair to warn you.

I’m going to rewind about a week and a half and just say that I recently had a  well-woman exam which confirmed that I am…well.  Yay, me!  Gawd, I hate that, but in order to get the awesome little pills that keep me from getting the horrid little migraines, I have to be a good little girl and have my exam.  Awesome.

Anyway.  At the appointment, Dr. Helpful decided to inform me that I was due for a tetanus booster shot.  Woo hoo.  Because I was hoping for a shot in the ass after I got my feet out of the stirrups.  But alas, the shot was in the arm.

Needless to say, I agreed to the stupid little shot, because the nurse told me that if I were to contract tetanus, I could develop such terrible things as lock jaw and brain damage and maybe my toes might even fall off, which would totally suck.

So before the shot, she warned me that my arm might be a little sore, and she asked which arm I would like to have crippled for the rest of eternity.  (I chose the left, since I am right-handed.)  But it seemed idiotic, because the shot was tiny and inconsequential.  And did I mention stupid?

So I got dressed.  Because I was in the ridiculous non-gown that is given to all who enter into the well-woman exam.  And I went on my merry way.

And the very next day my arm swelled into a godless mound of hardened flesh that is still—to this very day—disfigured.  I’m pretty sure the government is using medical professionals to insert ginormous tracking devices into our arms under the guise of the ever-so-innocent tetanus vaccination.

And holy shit, does it itch!

And while we’re speaking of itching…let’s just go on into the rest of what the little nursie decided to omit when she oh-so-flippantly told me I was due for a tetanus vaccination.

Friends, this is the disturbing part.  I’m sorry—ahead of time.

Unless I’m baking bread or frothing foam for a cappuccino, there is entirely too much shit going on downstairs.  Oh yeah, SOMEBODY decided to omit the fact that a simple little tetanus vaccination would set off a chain reaction in my body, upsetting the happy little apple cart that previously kept everything in balance.

As a public service announcement, I would like to let you know that a tetanus vaccination can cause a beastly yeast infection.  And unless you have a wish to spend the holidays scratching at your privates like a stray dog with a case of street fleas, AVOID THE VACCINE.  I’ma just sayin’.

So, unless you see me with a rusty nail sticking straight through my foot, please do not vaccinate me ever again.  Next time, I’ll just have the cappuccino.  Also, I'd like to take this moment to apologize to Hy-Vee supermarkets for purchasing your entire supply of Monistat.  So sorry.  And thank you.

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