Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Shit, Die, or Go Blind


Occasionally, I call to memory some of my great-grandma’s sayings—mostly because she was not a lady to mince words and also because well, she said some damned funny shit.  Today’s saying was quickly brought to the forefront by a lovely little CrossFit workout we did today at Cerberus.

The name of the workout is Barbara, which is a seemingly innocuous name, however, if you are at all familiar with the workout setup at CrossFit, you will immediately know that ANY named workout is a bee-yatch.  Barbara is no different. 

In fact, it was this exact workout that left me heaving beside the beautiful walking trail that winds around the nearby lake just blocks from our box not too long ago.  Ah, Barbara, a good, good friend of mine.

Today was quite similar to my last encounter with that lovely lady.  As my great-grandma would have said, by the time the workout was finished with me, I didn’t know whether to shit, die, or go blind.

I know, as most of my friends read this, you are lining up—nay, fighting—to get in the door of the nearest CrossFit box, because who doesn’t want that OhMahGawdI’mGonnaShitMyself feeling in the middle of a workout, right?  But hang on, let me tell you why CrossFit is still awesome.

First of all, unless you ate an entire pot of chili the night before, chances are good that you are going to vomit before you crap in your pants, so that’s awesome.  Way better on the humiliation scale.  You’ll be able to show your face in public much sooner.

Also, you will be able to say you did a badass workout to boot.  “Oh, you did curls,” you’ll say, “how cute.  I ate a kettlebell for breakfast, walked across hot coals, busted out Barbara, and managed not to shit myself…all before noon.”

Ok, you may not say that, but it’s fun to think about, plus you’ll feel über-accomplished just knowing that you got your butt out of bed and turned your muscles into some sort of primordial jelly that might be somewhat functioning by, oh say, Thursday.  But by then, you will have done this all a couple more times.

One more thing.  The really fantastic thing about CrossFit is that it gets you prepared for the unexpected.  So, picture this.  It’s a gorgeous day, and you are out on a hike, all alone in the woods.  Suddenly you encounter Bigfoot.  What are you going to do?  I’ll tell you what you are going to do.  First, you are going to shit your pants.  Then, you are going to have to pull out the best physical activity of your life in order to escape that dude…all with a load of crap in your pants.  Yep, preparation for life, people.  Do it.


And on the shit, die, or go blind thing, I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to die.  My vitals seemed ok.  My heart was beating pretty steadily, if a bit vigorously, so I felt safe there.  My vision seemed ok as well.  So I might have to change the saying a bit.

I didn’t know whether I was going to shit, vomit, or pass out.  Gotta love me some Barbara.

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