Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Things to Argue About


I’ve made this handy-dandy list for my two 7-year-old boys, in case the unthinkable happens—we actually run out of things to fight about.  Not to worry though.  Currently, we are going strong and seem to be in absolutely NO danger of facing a shortage of topics.

First, I’ll just give you a quick run-down of the verbal sparring that is incentive enough to give any sane mommy reason enough to start concocting Mocha-Xaxax-Capuccino-Vodka Chillers just to get through the morning drop-off at school.  Take the most recent morning drive for example.  Here’s what my little pumpkins fought about:

  • Where to put our horse.  (We don’t have a horse.  We live in a suburb, and I’m pretty sure there would be a hefty home owners association fine if we attempted to keep a horse in our yard.)  “The horse should live in the front yard,” said one.  “No!  The horse has to live in the back yard because we have a fence back there,” said the other one.  (Mommy was still thinking to herself, “But we don’t have a fucking horse!”)
  • Do horses take baths?  Holy crap on a cracker, they actually agreed that indeed, horses probably DO take baths.  However, the disagreement occurred as they discussed the size of the damned horse bathtub we would need to install in our back yard.  One said we would need a large bathtub.  The other said we would definitely need to scale down to a medium bathtub because a large horse bathtub would be WAY too expensive.  (We don’t have a fucking horse!  But kudos to one of them for thinking of the financial ramifications of purchasing a too-large horse bathtub.)
  • So-and-so didn’t do his homework.
  • “Yes I did, and so-and-so is a tattletale!”
  • It’s no fun to play Minecraft with my brother because he always blows up my guys and destroys my houses.
  • So-and-so can’t invite MY friends to his birthday party.  And by the way, I am having a sleep-over, and he can’t have one because that would be COPYING, and that is RUDE.
  • “We should get chickens,” says one.  “No!” says the other one, “I want ducks.”  (Mommy, while quietly sipping vodka-coffee-concoction, is thinking, “We still can’t have any livestock.  We don’t live on a fucking farm!”
  • “But chickens are cuter than ducks.”
  • “No!  Ducks are WAY cuter than chickens.  PLUS they swim.  Swimming is fun, and ducks are better.”

(Aw, hell…what time do the doors to the school open?)

(Also, do you guys know it’s almost summer vacation time, and that means ALL DAY EVERY DAY with these guys?  We are going through an arguing phase, and I’m not sure I’m gonna last the summer.  If you don’t see regular blog posts, please send help.)

In order to help my boys get through the summer, I’ve compiled a short list of topics to which they can refer, should they run out of ideas.  See below:

  • Are space aliens green?  Discuss.
  • Should we go to the pool or the park?  Fight it out.
  • Which are better…kangaroos or jellyfish?  Why?
  • Who has smellier toes?  Prove it.
  • Can bears sing?  Are you sure?
  • Can goats really eat anything?
  • Can you swim in a volcano?  Why or why not?
  • Who left their bicycle in the driveway?
  • Should we let whales live in our swimming pool?

And as a last resort, if I totally run out of topics for our summer arguing pleasure, I can always ask them what we are going to feed our IMAGINARY HORSE.

Happy summer, guys!

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