Monday, June 30, 2014

The Care and Keeping of Your Bridge Troll


Congratulations!  You are the proud new loved one of a bridge troll.  As you will shortly come to realize, bridge trolls (a.k.a. introverts) are interesting and complicated creatures.  While their company can be fulfilling and rewarding, they can also be described as challenging and even frustrating.  Please find below important instructions regarding the proper care of your bridge troll.  If you follow these instructions, you are guaranteed a much happier co-existence with your closet-dwelling, public-averse, antisocial companion.

Good luck.

Instructions:
  1. Always brief your bridge troll on the specifics of ANY and all situations regarding human contact and interaction, especially when dealing with strangers.  Remember, any human contact or socialization can be construed as tactical warfare, and the troll will respond accordingly.  Example:  If you arrive at a party and there are people in attendance that the troll was not expecting to see or meet, you can expect that your troll’s level of anxiety will immediately be heightened.
  2. As soon as you notice a heightened state of anxiety in your troll, immediately provide alcohol.  Lots of alcohol.  This provides medicinal support and will help your troll avoid any emotional trauma that could result from an uncomfortable social situation.
  3. Make your troll aware of any and all upcoming social engagements as soon as you become aware of them.  You will need to remind your troll of these engagements as the date approaches, and it will probably require bribery to actually get your troll to attend the specified engagement.  (Note:  When the actual date of the social engagement arrives, your troll WILL try to get out of going.  This is normal and to be expected.  Once again, lean on alcohol and bribery.  Never threaten a troll, as they CAN and do become violent when cornered.)
  4. Never, never EVER remind your troll that she is a troll.  Your troll knows that she is a troll and is forever self-conscious about the troll-isms that control her day-to-day activities.  Accusations of troll activity and combative behavior will only cause your troll to go into hiding, most likely in an upstairs bedroom or closet.
  5. Bridge trolls are good at holding grudges.  If you should find yourself in a disagreement with your troll, remember that the storm will eventually pass.  Well, maybe.  However, should you want to bribe your troll or ply her with gifts, it’s helpful to shop for things such as dictionaries, out-of-print books, and other such nerd-attractors.  Trolls love items like these and are more likely to thaw when presented with geektastic treasures such as the aforementioned.
  6. Trolls are not excessive talkers, especially at the end of a long day.  In fact, you may actually hear your troll growl in certain situations.  It’s important to remember that trolls require downtime in which words are not being violently flung in their general direction.


Above all, though, just remember to have fun with your troll.  They are fascinating little creatures, and much like their distant cousin, the garden gnome, they thoroughly enjoy a raucous outing to the library.

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