Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Love ‘Em or Hate ‘Em


Green Day, 21 Guns

When you're at the end of the road

And you lost all sense of control

And your thoughts have taken their toll

When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

Your faith walks on broken glass

And the hangover doesn't pass

Nothing's ever built to last

You're in ruins

I’ve been jammin’ this song all afternoon, and I still haven’t exactly come to a resolution.

Except for maybe this.  I’m a grudge-holder, which isn’t exactly a resolution, because I already knew this about myself, so that’s sort of like cheating, right?

So maybe the conclusion is that I can’t come to a resolution.  Which sounds a little bit on the insane side.

Well, crap.  That leaves me with the only resolution that I, as a human being, seem unable to make.  And it’s this.  As mad as I am, and as upset as I am, I think my dad would want me to forgive.

But here’s the thing.  I’m really, really mad.  And it’s not like it’s over something that anyone can undo.  So that sort of leaves the people in the situation at an impasse.

I used to have this semblance of faith.  I think.  And that’s why this song resonates with me now, because whatever is left of that faith is definitely on broken glass right now.  Like giant, gleaming, sharp shards of glass.  It’s fragile.  And there are questions.  And doubts.  And levels of pissed-offed-ness that I can’t begin to articulate.

And someone—I can’t remember who right now—once said that if you didn’t want your story (or pieces thereof) to be written, you probably should have behaved better.  That can definitely apply to me, too, so write away.

But here’s the deal.  I was Dumplin’, and I’ll never get to be that again.  I was a Daddy’s girl, and no he wasn’t a perfect man, but he was a perfect dad and the only one I ever get to have in this life.  So if you take that away—or play a part in that being taken from me—then, yeah, I’ma gonna be a little pissed.

So, I’m guessing this is the part where I get past the sad.  And past the frozen feeling.  And now I’m at the mad.  And when does that get fixed?

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