Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Joining the Mob

This past weekend, while watching “The Family” with my husband, I made the decision that we should join the mob.  Is there an application process that goes along with that, do you suppose?  I’m wondering what the qualifications are.  Would the entire family need to join, or would it just be, say, the adults?  Would Jason need to agree to this plan?

As you can see, I am riddled with questions, but after watching the movie, I feel like I may have a better grasp on what I’m meant to be doing.  Trust me (I know, your tendency might be to NOT trust someone who has just announced that they would like to join the mob), I can explain my motivation, which might also provide a scary insight into my personality.

Reason #1 for Joining the Mob
Violence is not only accepted, it is applauded.  Not that I am a violent person by nature, but there are instances when a good ass-whooping would probably fix a lot of things.  In the movie, a French grocery store owner is berating the mob wife/American shopper in French—which she understands.  As she leaves the store (AND after paying for her purchases, I might add), the store explodes—possibly due to the gasoline and fire combination the she herself created.  Now, I’m not saying I want to blow anything up.  (Back off, Homeland Security.)  I’m just saying that sometimes you are just so wronged and so damned pissed off that the only good recourse seems to be, well, an explosion.  (A girl can dream, right?)

Reason #2 for Joining the Mob
They all seem to like wine.  All of the mobsters in all of the movies of all time seem to have an affinity for fine drink—wine or whatevs.  Point is, they are discriminating when it comes to their booze.  I could totally do that if I had mob money.

Reason #3 for Joining the Mob
All mobsters are good at hiding bodies.  I’m not necessarily saying I want to hide a body, but if the circumstance should arrive, I think I would have the talent for it.  (That might stem from the same side of my brain that thinks people who have wronged me should be ‘sploded in a giant firestorm.  I dunno.)

Reason #4 for Joining the Mob
The cover story.  All mobsters need a good cover, and in the movie I just watched, the husband’s cover was that of a writer.  This would work out fabulously for me because not only would I spend a portion of the day writing, I feel as if I could also fulfill the roll of mobster quite well.  It’s multi-tasking!

Reason #5 for Joining the Mob
All the women ever portrayed in mobster-ish movies can eat boatloads of pasta, yet they still have rockin’ bods.  Now.  Here’s what happens when I am anywhere NEAR pasta.  The ooey-gooey carbohydrates that make up every little noodle decide to get together, form an army, and plow their calorie-laden tanks of starch straight toward my ass.  My ass = pasta poundage magnet.  Pasta will (nearly) literally jump out of the pan and PASTE itself onto my ass.  This is where I would like to be one of those hot mobster wives who can shovel in pasta and cigarettes, yet STILL miraculously find a way to out run whatever gangster-du-jour is chasing her.  (P.S. Unless I am being chased by a knife-wielding serial killer, there will be no running.  Also, unless there are hot, fresh doughnuts at Krispy Kreme, there will be no running.)

Reason #6 for Joining the Mob
Whatever illegal shit you need to do, being a mobster makes it look cool.


That’s enough.  Where do I apply for the illustrious position of Mob-Member/Writer/Mom to 5 (semi) well-adjusted kids?

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