Wednesday, September 03, 2014

Keep Your Eyeball Off of My Eyeball

My eyes are not-so-secretly attempting to take over my body and destroy life as I once knew it.

Eyeballs are supposed to be white.  With color in the middle.  Not mine.  Mine are flaming-bright-fire-red, sort of like zombie apocalypse eyes.  My left eye is especially menacing, what with its squinty puffiness and watery ooze.  It’s quite a deterrent to friend and foe alike.  One look at THE EYE, and people slowly start to back away and find reasons not to be in my general vicinity.

Also, I don’t think it’s right that fire is in my eyeball.  Call me a doubter or a negative-Nelly or whatever you will, but I don’t think it should feel like lava has been poured into my eye socket every time I blink.

My eye doctor has given me drops, which I’m fairly certain consist of acid, Satan’s tears, and lemon juice—they feel that great when I drop them into my eyes.  In fact, when I sense that the drop is going to hit my eyeballs, my instant reaction is to jerk away, and I have to force myself to sit there and take the torture.  I keep telling myself that this devil-concoction is somehow supposed to make my eyes better, when I secretly suspect witch-doctory is actually involved.  (Note to self:  look up ophthalmologist.  He is a friend, however, does he also practice voodoo or any of the black arts?)

Apparently, I have some sort of ulcer-y thing on my cornea.  Yay.  For the second time.  Because my eyeballs hate me.  And after the recent long weekend, I felt that the devil-drops were not doing their job.  My left eye was getting redder and redder, and it finally started to look like a mushy little tomato orb inside my head.  Not cool.

So I called the doctor, and he got me right in.  After some poking and prodding, he determined that in addition to my previous condition, I now also have EKC, which is some form of über-contagious eye gunk that allows small white craters to form all over my eyeballs, making my vision craptastically horrible.

So now, in addition to the Satan-juice I have to pour into my eyeballs several times a day, I have also been grounded from using my contact lenses.  Can we just go ahead and put me in some coke-bottle strap-on glasses and call it a day?  Or can we get me a glass eye and a peg leg and make me a pirate?

What the hell, eyeballs?  What did I ever do to you?


Also, I should warn you that this new contagious thing has to run its course because it’s a virus, so you probably shouldn’t go sharing towels with me or sticking your eyeball on my eyeball or rubbing your water bottle on my eyeball and then drinking from it or well, just in general you should not do anything that brings you anywhere near my eyeball.  It’s pretty gross.

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