I am of the belief that there should be separate lines at the pharmacy—not like at McDonald’s, where you just get in the shortest line and hope that your line moves at a rate faster than that of a sloth trudging through quicksand. Nay, nay. Not that kind of separation. Instead, I propose this.
There should be THREE separate lines at the pharmacy, and they should follow these guidelines:
Line 1—The Do-You-Even-HAVE-A-Prescription?? Line
(This is also known as the What-the-Fuck-Is-Wrong-With-You??? Line)
This line is reserved for people who will undoubtedly stand at the window looking at the pharmacist like they just woke up from a 5-year coma and quite possibly don’t know what the hell year it is, let alone whether or not they even have a prescription waiting for them behind the counter. These people will ask the pharmacist at least five questions that are completely unnecessary, argue about insurance coverage, and/or feel the need to discuss the average mating age of the giant panda…all while 20 people are waiting in line behind them.
(Clearly, these people are the ones with NOWHERE to go and NOTHING to do with their lives. Also, they will be shat upon by incontinent unicorns, because I deem it so.)
(Yes, I have just had an unpleasant waiting experience at the pharmacy.)
(Also, if you are over the age of 75, it should be MANDATORY that your prescriptions are delivered to you. You MAY NOT harass the pharmacy for your meds. End of story.)
Line 2—The Line for the Only Moderately Retarded
(Otherwise Known as the I-Think-I-Have-Insurance-But-Maybe-I-Shit-My-Pants Line)
These people feel certain they are in the CORRECT line, however, they either cannot find their insurance card, are unsure of the status of their insurance, or have possibly forgotten to SEE the doctor altogether—and now, here they stand, in front of 50 other people, attempting to straighten out their shit when they should have straightened out their shit WAY sooner. (I probably should not hate these people as much as the people in Line 1, but for some reason, I do.)
These are the people that look longingly at the pharmacist like he or she is the Great Oz and can conjure up a prescription (or insurance) simply by running behind the curtain and waving some sort of Ritalin wand. WTF, people? Get your shit together or get out of the line.
Line 3—The Line for the People Who Have Shit to Do
This is the line for the people who have a prescription, have insurance OR cash, want to get their shit and get out. Give me my drugs, I’ll give you the money, thank you…have a nice day. This line keeps moving, because these people want to go home. THIS is the line you want to be in, but if you get in this line when you don’t belong here, I’ma gonna cut you.
And those, my friends, are the new pharmacy rules. Screw going postal. I’m going pharmacological.