Monday, October 06, 2014

The Satanic Neighbor Kid

I seem to remember a time when my mom banned me from playing with the neighbor kid—namely the one with the cool mom who gave us wine coolers to drink in the garage.  I thought she was totes cool, but apparently my mom thought that it was unacceptable for her to ply 12-year-olds with wine coolers instead of sugar-laden 25-cent cans of Shasta.  So my mom was an ogre because she banned me from hanging out in the garage with the kids that just so happened to have the coolest mom in the history of EVER.  Instead, I had to play with my cousin and my little brother.  Swell.

Fast forward to today.  My kids want to play with some demon spawn who insists on coming into our garage or our house and destroying anything he can possibly get his sticky, grubby little hands on.  Ok, it’s not like his mom is trying to serve my kids booze or anything, but when is it ok to say enough is enough and ban little Beelzebub from our house?

It’s gotten bad enough that I find myself secretly hoping that he’ll hit a rock with his skateboard as he ever-so-slickly goes zooming by.  I envision his California-blonde-blow-in-the-wind locks whipping around his face as he flies through the air, and just before he lands on his scrawny ass, I will say, “A-ha!  Take that!”

But hear me out, I have good reason.  Just the other day, he was in our garage, whacking the living shit out of a Styrofoam cooler until it looked like the Jolly Green Giant had a raging case of dandruff.  Then he proceeded to puncture the pool rafts before he sped away on his zippy little skateboard.  And this was only a couple of days after he called my youngest kid a “loser face” inside our house.  I have sent this kid packing numerous times, and I’m thinking it’s time to draw the line.  (Yes, I know it was ONLY a Styrofoam cooler, but dammit, it was MY Styrofoam cooler!)

So just in case your child happens to be Satan incarnate and also just in case you happen to be freakishly unaware of this problem, I’ve come up with a handy-dandy list to help you out.

How to tell if your child might be the devil:
  • Neighbors start to provide you with airfare for your child, most of which is one-way.
  • When your child rings the neighbors’ doorbells, all the curtains instantly get pulled shut and the lights go out.
  • If your child is playing in the yard, cars actually make u-turns in the street and go in the opposite direction.
  • Brochures for military “camp” start mysteriously showing up in your mailbox.
  • You start to receive calls regarding your recent application to appear on Super Nanny.
  • All of the houses on your street, except for yours, have For Sale signs in the yard.
  • Your child’s trick or treat bucket is filled with Ritalin flyers instead of candy.


It’s not that I don’t want my kids to have friends.  But what the hell with the possessed kid?  If you are sending your kids to someone else’s house, please perform an exorcism first.  Please and thank you.  We will do the same.

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