You have a cool new job, which means you get to travel a lot. Awesome. But before you go out of town next time, I have a few requests, all of which—when fulfilled by you—would make my life much better. I would appreciate it if you would consider the following:
- Please stop hiding my glasses before you leave. I’m fairly certain that the last thing you do before walking out the door before leaving for work trips is find a sneaky, clever hiding place for my glasses. Well, the gig is up, mister. Mom is blaming me for the lost glasses, and I just threw you under the bus. Game over. Clearly, YOU are the one misplacing my things.
- Let Mom know that the remote will select programs other than Prison Break and Sons of Anarchy. While very useful and educational, I feel that, at age 7, I should probably be watching something on Nickelodeon or Disney. (Actually, we all know I’m angling for Minecraft tutorials, but Disney sounds better.)
- Please ask Mom to speak to actual humans. When you leave, we are less likely to be able to interact with our friends for the sole reason that she will later have to go into PUBLIC to retrieve us, meaning that she will have to leave her bra on for a length of time after work and actually speak to people outside her comfort zone.
- I don’t know how to say this, but Mom isn’t exactly a plan-ahead type of person. If you could mention to her that she could save a lot of heartache by signing our planners the NIGHT BEFORE so that we wouldn’t be in so much of a rush every morning before school, that would be great. It’s sort of like she forgets that every single day there will be the same red folder to check and the same planner to sign. Have you ever seen that movie 50 First Dates where the girl forgets who she is every single day and has to be reminded of like EVERYTHING? Yeah, that.
So great work on the job, Dad. You are really rockin’ that out. Thanks for helping me out with these small requests, as I think they will really help us all in the future.
P.S.—Where the HELL did you put my glasses?